Friendship Fumbles
Do you have a lifelong friend? A bestie from college, or high school, or even elementary school? Maybe you have all three! Congrats! Seriously. Maintaining friendships over years, not to mention decades, is a lot of work. Like a marriage or any other relationship, a friendship takes effort. Sometimes it means putting someone else’s needs before your own. True friendship means showing up when it is not convenient, and being loyal through the fun, happy times AND the difficult, sad ones.
I have so much to say on the subject of friendship… Probably because it has been an interesting year friendship-wise. Maintaining adult friendships can be tricky, and that has never been more clear to me than this past year. It’s so easy when you’re eight and you see your friends five days a week at recess. Or, when you’re 18, and you see your friends multiple times a week for class or to study or just to hang out. But, what happens at 25, or 28, or 32? What happens when you are in a different phase of life than your friend? What happens when you no longer live close by? What happens when you discover that your standards, morals and beliefs are more different than you once thought?
If you’ve been following me for a bit, you probably know that I did NOT enjoy my wedding planning experience. As someone who got married in her 30s, I had a long time to dream about what that time in my life would look like. I always knew I’d have a big wedding party, but add on five sisters-in-law (who I adore and definitely wanted by my side) and big became ridiculous. Fourteen…I had fourteen bridesmaids, and V had fourteen groomsmen. Now listen…you and I are friends. So, I’m going to give you the inside scoop…NEVER! Under any circumstance whatsoever…have fourteen bridesmaids. Please trust me on this. It’s too many. I would also argue that it is impossible to have fourteen people that you are truly on a bridesmaid-level with.
I plan to go a lot more in depth regarding my wedding planning experience at a later time, but for now let’s hone in on the importance of quality over quantity. As humans, we have a limited capacity. No matter how hard I may try, I cannot be a best friend to all of my friends. I cannot be everything to everyone, all at once. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. However, the older I get and the more weddings I plan (just the one), the more I realize that there are levels of friendship, and not everyone has to be on level 10.
So many factors contribute to the quality of a friendship: time, experiences, personalities, needs, expectations, effort…the list goes on. Plus, every friendship is different. Knowing someone for 15 years does not automatically make you close friends. It doesn’t mean an immediate pass to best friend level simply based on time known. On the other hand, you might consider someone your best friend after only a few months of knowing them. Here’s the thing, best friends behave differently than friends AND THAT IS OKAY (saying this to myself, as well). When I chose my fourteen besties, I had an expectation they were going to treat me like one of their best friends. This was an unspoken (HUGE MISTAKE on my part) and honestly, unconscious expectation that I didn’t even realize I had until it wasn’t being met by some of my girls.
Expectation setting is so important, in wedding planning and in life. Sometimes, rarely, everything works out perfectly. Based on either the amount of time someone has known you or how in tune the two of you are, expectations may never need to be spoken. They are just understood and respected. Other times when personalities, needs, values, etc. differ, expectations need to be very clearly communicated. And, then sometimes you end up with someone who does not really care about your expectations or boundaries. That’s when you kick them to the curb.
Here’s what I have learned about friendship:
Your best friends will show you who they are. They will show you with their actions and their willingness to be inconvenienced for you. They will show you when you need them the most. Also, if someone shows you y’all aren’t best friends, that isn’t necessarily bad. As long as you’re both on the same page, you can continue with a healthy friendship at the appropriate level AND with the appropriate expectations.
When someone goes above and beyond for me, it makes me want to go above and beyond for them. Not everyone feels the same way, which can lead to feelings of resentment and being undervalued.
The older I get, the smaller my circle becomes, and that’s actually really awesome. I know who my people are more than ever before, and I can pour into them. This “pruning” process is totally normal.
Growing closer to your best friends, does not have to mean your other friendships suffer. As long as everyone is on the same page regarding the friendship, things will be just fine. But, this involves expectation setting, and perhaps an awkward conversation or two.
I have the world’s greatest best friend. I met her when I was 21 years old. She is the complete opposite of me in almost every way, but she is also my soulmate…at least my girl soulmate. She holds the title of best friend in my life even though I haven’t known her the longest, even though we live in different states and have very different personalities and preferences. I know I can count on her for anything, and I know she understands me. She is my family. The more and more best friend relationships I observe, the more I realize that she is a rarity, and I am so grateful for her.
I watched someone very close to me lose a best friend recently, and it was extremely difficult to witness. Let me tell you a few things that a best friend is not…a best friend is not selfish. They will never seek to diminish you. They will not speak ill of you or talk about you behind your back. They will not cause unnecessary drama in your life. They will not lie to you, and they will not allow narcissistic tendencies to repeatedly harm the relationship. (Side note: narcissists don’t have best friends. They are their own best friend and number one priority.) A best friend does not consistently forget about things that are important to you. A best friend does not refuse to apologize when they have hurt you. A best friend does not call you names.
Takeaway: Your time is valuable. Your capacity is limited. Your mental and emotional health are important. So, set the expectations. Have the difficult conversations. End the toxic relationships. You deserve to have amazing friendships at every level!
-D
