Yes. I Have Phone Anxiety & No, I Don’t Need Your Validation.
Slightly longer title than normal…I’m a little passionate about this topic. I posted a TikTok earlier this week about phone anxiety that was very lighthearted and fun, but the reality is it’s been a little bit of a touchy subject for me in the past.
The best feeling.
We live in an age where availability by phone is expected. It is expected by your boss, by your friends, your family, your credit card company, etc. If you don’t answer the first time, you will often get a follow-up call, text, email (sent from iPhone), etc. I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but sometimes it turns into downright harassment.
As with general anxiety, it took me quite a while to put a name to my symptoms. But, I now know that I have what’s called, phone anxiety. Yes, this is an actual thing that many people suffer from. There are lots of phobias, of just about everything under the sun. So, to be honest, I’m not sure why phone anxiety is such a hard concept for some people to process, but it is. I once had a family member comment that they too have anxiety, and can still talk on the phone. This was one of the more hurtful statements I’ve ever encountered regarding my anxiety, and I don’t even think it was meant maliciously. Anxiety does not look the same for everyone, and the idea that me having a different symptom than my family member somehow made mine invalid has been very hard for me to get over.
To be honest, having phone anxiety can be pretty embarrassing. People are very quick to think you’re avoiding them or just being difficult. They cast judgement, disregarding your symptoms as silly or ridiculous. Well, guess what? I think it is silly and ridiculous and plain mean to diminish what someone else feels just because you don’t understand it. Having phone anxiety has affected numerous friendships of mine over the years, and it has been hurtful (probably on both sides). For a long time, I didn’t know how to express that I didn’t want to talk on the phone. I didn’t want to FaceTime. How do you say that to your friend or family member? It can come off like, “I don’t want to talk to you.” That isn’t at all the case, usually.
When people don’t understand you or your actions things can go sideways quickly, which is why I am so adamant about shedding light on this topic. Here are some of the thoughts and feelings that a person suffering with phone anxiety might experience:
Dread at the thought of participating in a phone call or FaceTime conversation.
Stress over maintaining the conversation and avoiding awkward pauses or silence.
Panic when receiving an unexpected phone call/FaceTime. A) it can feel intrusive. B) immediate worst-case scenarios can begin running through your head…someone is hurt, someone has died…etc.
Feeling the need to postpone opening text messages or voicemails due to anxiety surrounding the need to respond.
Overanalyzing text messages or voicemails, as well as the appropriate response.
The second best feeling.
It’s very important, as with general anxiety, to clearly express your needs and boundaries to friends and family. Let those closest to you know that you would typically prefer not to talk on the phone. Let them know you never want to video chat. Advise them to always text you first, and avoid phone calls that can be text messages. Two of my biggest pet peeves are phone calls that should be text messages and meetings that should be emails. (The latter was of course a much bigger issue when I was in the corporate arena.) I have lost all patience with the lack of respect for the introverts of the world and lack of thought for those of us who have social anxiety.
Phone anxiety and social anxiety are very similar in my opinion. Both involve you having to be “on”. There is an expectation that you be friendly, politically correct, pleasant, etc. These obviously aren’t bad things to be. But, sometimes (more often for some of us than others) we need the space and freedom to just be…to not have to worry about every word that is coming out of our mouths.
These are some of the methods I have used to help manage my phone anxiety:
Removing the FaceTime app from my phone.
Keeping my phone in Do Not Disturb.
Letting my friends and family know that I am best reached by text, not a phone call or FaceTime.
Letting those I communicate with most often know that they should not expect an immediate response from me.
Scheduling phone calls or FaceTime dates with friends/fam who live in different cities or states. The majority of my friends actually don’t live in my city. So, I would hardly ever get to talk with them if we didn’t utilize the phone.
I’d like to elaborate a bit further on this last bullet. I have several friends who come to mind when I think about scheduling phone calls or FaceTimes. It is so helpful for me to know that, for example, on Thursday night I’m going to be talking with so-and-so at 6 pm. As opposed to, so-and-so just FaceTiming me out of the blue while I’m in the grocery store, or in the middle of dinner, or in the bathroom. This removes any pressure because there is an agreed upon time that we have both set aside to talk. I know this is coming. I can prepare in any number of ways. I can pour a glass of wine, take a Xanax, schedule some downtime before or after, etc. I can also make sure I’m in a good spot to talk and that my phone is charged.
Perhaps there is a generational element to phone anxiety. Gen Z, for example, seems to be very into FaceTime. But, I think the key here is respect. If you know someone does not like to talk on the phone…don’t call them unless you absolutely have to. If you know someone doesn’t answer FaceTime calls…don’t FaceTime them 10 times and then get upset they haven’t answered you. This is common courtesy and common sense, frankly. But…as we all know, not everyone has common sense. Not everyone is going to care about your needs or respect your boundaries. So, what then? Below, are several ways to handle these types of people:
Stop answering phone calls/FaceTimes. If someone calls you or FaceTimes you even though they know you don’t like it, you have every right to ignore them.
Respond to phone calls/FaceTimes with a text message. Drive home your point that text is how you would prefer to communicate.
Do NOT apologize for taking “too long” to respond or being “difficult to get ahold of”. When and if you respond is your prerogative. It’s one of your basic human rights for crying out loud.
BLOCK that number. If someone calls you multiple times in a row, rage texts you, etc., …block that number and take back control of your phone.
There is a time and a place for a phone call or FaceTime, but for some people, it isn’t very often. We have to stop just assuming that it is acceptable to call and/or FaceTime anyone and everyone at any time of day. We have to start respecting people’s needs and boundaries, especially people we love.
-D
